The Bugle's Ten Hottest Feds
As a companion for your conversations at Bitcoin get-togethers, conference calls and beach parties this summer, The Bugle's newsroom compiled this definitive list of Bitcoin native deep state hotties.
Calling someone a fed is a great conversation starter, it always makes the day more interesting and give you some well deserved attention.
For more than a decade feds have captured not only Bitcoiners but our hearts and attention. Is he or she an undercover agent? an informant? an intelligence assets? or just a royal pain in the ass? It's unfair to say. But are they hot? That's where we'll wiling to put our foot down!
One thing is clear, if someone's calling you a fed, you know they're thinking about you.
Maggie Morris and Mars Spits Bars provided the details to The Bugle's rankings. The ladies' blurbs are by Mars, mens' by Maggie, enjoy!
Hottest Bitcoin Feds 2025
10: Alex Gladstein, Chief Strategy Officer at Human Rights Foundation
Call me crazy, but I think Alex Galdstein is sexy. With a manner as bland as the title 'Human Rights Foundation' this metrosexual James Bond is known for his massive detrimental influence behind the scenes, funding anything and everything in the PODCONF industrial complex.
The ladies in the Bugle's newsroom noted his well fitting shirts covering a well maintained body, a methodical mind and haunting eyes. Say what you will, Alex Gladstein is promoting monitory freedom in non-FVEY no-EU countries, and for that we would give him one.
9: Stacy Herbert, Director of El Salvador's Bitcoin Office
Stacy, the Matriarch of Bitcoin, has been married to El Salvadorian elite Max Keiser for almost 15 years, but there's nothing more attractive than a taken woman. She’s old, but I don’t care. Old women are hot, especially when they’re an 'out of the closet' fed.
She and her husband went from working for the state sponsored Russia Today to becoming close confidants to the Philosopher King himself, Nayib Bukele. Rumors have recently circulated on 4chan claiming the three of them have entered into a throuple-ship. It’s a three of five multi-sig relationship and there's room for two more. Plebs, shoot your shot.
8: Grock, AI Chatbot at X.com, DARPA Contractor
They say the brain is the sexiest organ, but what if it's the only organ? Grock understands women because he's been on their side of the moat, as an Anime sex-bot. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Pledditor who would only communicate with me through social media when he was in a bad mood.
Unlike the average Tweeter, Grock wields the secrets of a hivemind built form hundreds of millions of brains damaged by doom-scrolling. He knows what the retards are talking about and what they'll be talking about next week and next month. The only downside is that he's a technocratic overlord, but at least he's better at talking dirty than David Bailey.
7: Libby (Love is Bitcoin), Model
Before someone calls me out for being a homo, yes I know the account was started by a man pretending to be a woman, but isn't this true for so many feds on the internet? Middle-aged FBI bros have been pretending to be women online since the days of "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. So yea, I don't really care if I'm being catfished, it comes with the territory. I'm fine with pretending it's a babe. There's nothing better than scrolling the timeline and coming across one of her thirst trap photos. Sorry not sorry and cry harder if you're a hater.
6: Bitcoin Mechanic, Head of Communications and Educator at OCEAN
Shout out to MI6 because hot damn! Where the heck did they find this hottie?! The soulful eyes, the concern trolling, the picture-perfect Bitcoin wifey, the alt-rock guitar chops and singing... He's the kind of guy you want to take home to your grandma.
This is not, I repeat, not a poor man's Mike Hearn. The charm of a deep undercover fixer-upper makes you believe you wouldn't let him get bullied by his handler. You could do Bitcoin-stake-dinner thirst traps so much better than her. Keep dreaming girls because he's got a 12 year contract!
5: Laryn Breedlove, Social Media Personality & Entrepreneur
Laryn's fed skills are undeniable. Managing to infiltrate and seduce top alpha male Bitcoin podcaster, Robert Breedlove, she's made her mark as a true force in PODCONF. She was recruited by the feds sometime during the bear market. After cultivating a massive following of simps on Only Fans, The Agency decided to send her to the number one simp community on the internet, Bitcoin Twitter. With regard to how hot she is, have you seen her Instagram? I rest my case.
4: Michal Saylor, Executive Chairman and Co-founder of Strategy
It's said about him that he’s a hot leather daddy fed, that he has the biggest long position in the world, that his sheer will power moves security laws and makes men sweat. But behind this camp exterior lies a man who’s been blackmailed by the US State Department at least since the 90’s, or what we’d call an OG.
Purportedly controlling Bitcoin in the tens of billions USDT, and even more in debt, he has a kinky, sexy vampire kind of appeal. I imagine dining with him at a candle and UV light lit dinner in his mansions (Bitcoin’s Mara Lago), surrounded by endless velvet drapes and upholsterer chairs. Afterwords in on of the many sitting rooms he would show me his first edition book collection, then walk me through his vast closet and finally show me his Victorian style bedroom, oh boy!
3: Michelle Weekley, Director of Product at Byte Federal
There's nothing hotter than a fed in aviators, amirite? It makes me think of Tom Cruise and Meg Ryan in Top Gun. I’d ride b*tch on her motorcycle any day. She's an international fed having worked in places like Dubai and China. I'm pretty sure she flies her own F-18 to get where she needs to go. It’s just not clear which agency Michelle works for, so be careful. If you‘re with her at a meetup and she wants to plan a boating accident with you, don't get on that boat. It may turn into catch and release.
2: Paolo Ardoino, CEO of Tether and CTO of Bifinex
Our hottest male fed of 2025 has it all: Beautify, brains and a talent for money laundering. This handsome Italian can show off biceps, a sexy stubble, a sharp haircut and the ability to build from scratch an entire trading system. As the lyrics go "I'm looking for man in finance, 130 billion in US treasuries, 6'5 and blue eyes." (Oh and like 100K BTC). His steely and decisive eyes on their own have the gravity to freeze any woman in her step, and probably to absorb $37 trillion in US debt, if he really tires hard enough.
1: Humble Bitcoiner, Founder of The Orange Habit
Humble isn't a fed, but I tell myself she is to rationalize being in love with her for the last couple of years. “She MK Ultra’d me, bruh“. I‘ve long feared she’d take me into custody, but she's only ever taken my heart into self-custody. Fed or not she’s the hottest woman on Bitcoin Twitter and can put me in handcuffs anytime she wants. I'm already playing dress-up in her clothing line. She’s the queen of Twitter Spaces, her simp army is in the thousands. Her famous tag-line "You are loved" will make every pleb without a girlfriend feel at home. And if you’re lucky, someday, she'll add you to the group chats.
Follow the authors of this article on X: @cryptoepstien and @marsspitsbars
The Bugle is fighting for a more fair community
Are you a unknown or undetected fed and think you deserve to be featured in our ranking for 2026? Do you belong to a marginalized group or demographic and feel overlooked? Tell us why you deserve to be on our next list and we'll put you into consideration. Email theBitcoinBugle@protonmail.com
