New FDA Study: Stacking Bitcoin Makes Your Penis Smaller

New FDA Study: Stacking Bitcoin Makes Your Penis Smaller
Your Penis, Probably.

The FDA has released a new study and community statement claiming that stacking Bitcoin can reduce penile length by up to 2 inches. The study was overseen by the FDA's Head of Research, Janet Francis, who said, "We have found a clear correlation between the amount of Bitcoin one holds over time and reduction in penile length. It's shocking really. Some of the OG stackers are nearly inverted at this point."

This news has sent shockwaves through the crypto community, with many individuals questioning the validity of the study. Cory Klippsten, Founder and CEO of DCA company Swan Bitcoin, took to Twitter to rebuke the claims, saying, "This is utter nonsense. The FDA is spreading FUD and trying to scare people away from Bitcoin. I'm taking this opportunity to announce the launch of the Swan OnlyFans. We will be rebutting these heinous claims immediately."

Cory, regular stacker with a huge dong.

However, Pfizer has announced that it will be releasing a new drug, the aptly named, the Pill of Stake, which can help reverse the effects of Bitcoin stacking on penile length, and in some cases entirely reverse them. Dani Blank, a spokesperson for Pfizer, said, "We understand the concerns of the crypto community and are working to address them. The Pill of Stake will allow Bitcoiners to continue stacking without worrying about any negative side effects. What's best about this new product is that payment is in Bitcoin, which makes processing new customers incredibly easy."

The announcement of this new wonder drug has been met with mixed reactions. Some have praised Pfizer for their quick response to the FDA's research, while others have criticized them for trying to profit off of fear-mongering.

The FDA has defended its study, saying that the correlation is clear and the danger is real and should not be ignored. "We understand that this is a controversial topic," said Francis, "but we have a responsibility to inform the public of any potential health risks associated with Bitcoin."

Klippsten responded to the claims, stating, "Bitcoin has always been subject to unwarranted and unfair criticism, and the recent FDA announcement is no different. There is no scientific evidence to support the claim that stacking bitcoin reduces penile length and the staff at Swan are an obvious proof point. We encourage people to do their own research with our team and not be swayed by baseless claims."

The Bitcoin community has responded with a mixture of humor and anger, with some users jokingly suggesting that the study was funded by the banks. Others have accused the FDA of spreading misinformation to try and discredit Bitcoin and redistribute wealth away from OGs.

Despite the controversy surrounding the study, the FDA has stood by its findings and urged caution to those who regularly stack Bitcoin. They recommend that individuals consult with their doctors before engaging in any crypto-related activities.

As the debate over the validity of the FDA's study continues, many in the crypto community remain skeptical. It remains to be seen whether Pfizer's Pill of Stake will be a game-changer or just another ploy to profit off of fear. For now, the crypto community is left wondering what other surprises the FDA has in store for them.

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