Apple Claims Carbon Neutrality After Giving Millions Cancer From Phone EMF

"Apple is reducing carbon emissions globally. Our phones are shortening lifespans across the globe as a result of their EMF. We are reducing the population, and therefore carbon emissions as well," Tim Cook told an actress playing "mother nature" in an incredibly cringy promotional video.

Apple's stock rallied on the release of the promotional video bragging about reducing the population via EMF. A small group of fringe dissidents protested the idea, saying it's wrong to microwave populations to kill them. President Joe Biden on the other hand applauded the move as progressive and moving towards climate goals.

Apple has been testing out their new radiation technology in their phones while monitoring the impacts on users via the Apple watch and health app. Some positive findings is not only a projected decrease in life span, but also a decrease in fertility. The tech giant is also excited about preliminary findings from their air pods which are reported to impact memory and may also put out large amounts of EMF.

The company has been in hot water with Bitcoin Twitter before, and seem to be doing everything possible to dissuade bitcoiners from buying their products. The company has removed Bitcoin wallets from the app store before, and has recently threatened to release Nostr client, Damus, which is the most popular Nostr implementation on iPhone.

The company seems to be struggling between meeting Larry Fink's ESG goals for them, and actually serving consumers well.