This article was inspired by a loyal reader and fanboy.
Pfizer has released a groundbreaking study disproving that vaccines cause autism in kids, and found that Bitcoin is a higher contributor, sparking calls to put restrictions on Bitcoin exposure for kids. The study followed the effects of primary school aged children using lightning wallets in the classroom, and found that after a few months of utilizing Bitcoin, there were some very concerning impacts. 2 out of 3 children were found to listen to at least 16 hours of Bitcoin podcasts per week, and began displaying anti-social and anti-authoritarian behaviors. Teachers complained that children were calling them, "Statist book lickers" and "Fiat cucks." One second grader told his teacher that, "Your job won't be around after we hyperbitcoinize. You and your union are so fiat." The study involved using Wallet of Satoshi in the classroom to incentivize answering questions and getting good grades with lightning micropayments. Instead what happened is black markets began emerging in the schools as the kids would trade Bitcoin for snacks, cigarettes, and classroom utensils.
Pfizer executives are concerned that Bitcoin offers context of an alternative to the fiat economic system, and that people will choose the superior alternative if they are properly educated on the topic, and given a chance to use it. The study was halted early after the children began memeing the Pfizer employees conducting the study.
The study concluded that Bitcoin is incredibly dangerous to introduce to children as it breaks too many societal assumptions about what we have been taught in regards to government and money. 2 out of 3 children that experienced prolonged use of Bitcoin began displaying autistic tendencies such as failing to understand social cues when someone wanted you to stop talking about Bitcoin. Following the shut down of the study, Pfizer campaigned to remove Wallet of Satoshi, which was the lightning wallet they used in their study, from serving US markets as it appeared to be a great threat to children everywhere.
While there was no actual study of how vaccines cause or do not cause autism, this recent Pfizer study is a great way to distract and blame something else. It is rumored that Elizabeth Warren is already planning to use the FDA to ban Bitcoin for anyone under the age of 21 in order to help stop the spread of autism.
Pfizer is reportedly working on a vaccine to prevent people becoming autistic as a result of interacting with Bitcoin.