Elizabeth Warren Delays Flights Leaving Los Vegas With "Bolus Of Hot Air"
Las Vegas, NV – Elizabeth Warren emanated a massive bolus of hot air, causing flight delays for Bugle Journalists Ginger ₿ Stiffin and Margeret Morris, in a shocking display of meteorological petulance in retaliation for their award-winning coverage in The Fiat Fiasco: How Warren’s War on Bitcoin Made Us All Smarter and Poorer publish last month by Bugle News.
The Nevada skies, usually merely hostile to shade and sobriety, have now been weaponized. In what meteorologists are calling an “unprecedented and entirely preventable act of atmospheric spite,” Senator Elizabeth Warren [D–Pocohontas] has been blamed for the thermal updrafts that grounded dozens of flights departing Las Vegas—including the one carrying credentialed Bugle journalists Ginger Stiffen and Margaret Morris.
“I spotted her in Terminal 3, glaring at screen that was showing the Bugle’s live PODCONF Superbowl coverage,” an anonymous TSA agent told us, whispering from behind a stack of confiscated shampoo bottles. “Then she just sort of… exhaled. Hard.” Within minutes, the tarmac hit 132°F and Air Traffic Control communications melted into indecipherable Wokish Esperanto and told airplanes to check their privileges.
The explosive exposé detailed the Senator’s proposed amendment to outlaw digital wallets unless they’re attached to Chase Bank credit cards and personally notarised
“We were already emotionally exhausted from pretending not to enjoy Vegas,” said Stiffin, fanning herself with a copy of Keynesian Kink Monthly. “Then Liz’s weather witchcraft ruined my exit strategy. It’s like she’s punishing us for using the word ‘blockchain’ correctly.”
Morris, who had been detained briefly at a Warren rally in 2023 for “insufficient clapping enthusiasm,” was less diplomatic. “I knew she had it out for us,” she said. “When we asked her to explain how Bitcoin mining harms working families, she said, ‘Because it exists.’ she said and fingerguned. That’s a personal threat in D.C.”
Answering the Bugles inquiry, the Senator’s office denied any involvement, issuing a press release from what our sources say is teak-paneled fallout shelter in Cambridge, Massachusetts. “Though the Senator she has expressed concerns about atmospheric inequality and is introducing a bill to tax clouds that hover over red states more than blue ones.”
Can Senators affect the weather? The scientific community, desperate for relevance, chimed in. “Yes, it is technically possible for an exceptionally gaseous individual to affect microclimates,” said Dr. Kenton Bree, a professor of political climatology at Stanford. “But only if that individual has the raw ideological firepower to override thermodynamic norms.”
Bitcoiners leaving the conference watched the scene unfold “It’s perfect,” said CornPop32, a pseudonymous miner from rural Idaho. “The same person trying to ban Bitcoin for being ‘too disruptive’ is now literally disrupting physical transportation. It’s performance art. She’s like the Banksy of bad policy.”
Warren’s presence had also delayed six flights to Texas, two to Miami, and a drone delivering freedom seeds to a suburban cul-de-sac in Arizona, confirmed Candi Giovanni, a spokesperson for the Las Vegas airport. When asked whether the delays might also be the result of bureaucratic mismanagement or general airline incompetence, one FAA official replied, “Maybe. But I’d rather blame Warren and live.”
In defiance, Stiffin and Morris boarded a Greyhound bus bound for San Bernardino, armed with nothing but sarcasm, SPF 90, a box of Cohiba cigars and 80 hours of podcast material.
Meanwhile, the heat advisory remains in effect across Clark County—especially near the slot machines, the taxi line, and any federal policymaker with a God complex.
Editors note: Stiffin and Morris are currently preparing their next exposé: “Senator Warren’s Prescription for the Middle Class: Red Velvet Cake”.
