BUTNER, NORTH CAROLINA - October 4, 2023 - The Bugle has received an exclusive copy of a letter sent to Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) from none other than Bernie Madoff. Yes, you read that correctly. The late Bernie Madoff, architect of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, seems to have reached out from the great beyond to offer some unsolicited advice to SBF, the former CEO of FTX, now believed to be the mastermind behind the second-largest Ponzi scheme in history (not counting fiat currencies, natch).
The letter, which was apparently dropped by SBF earlier this week as he was scrambling to be only 30 minutes late to court, was written in what can best be described as a mix of cursive and hieroglyphics. It begins with a tone of camaraderie, "Well kid, I was rooting for you, but it seems that I'm still the king." Madoff, ever the competitor, seems to take a certain glee in the fact that even in death, his $64.8B Ponzi record remains unbroken.
Madoff goes on to discuss the ins and outs of life at Camp Butner Federal Corrections Complex, where SBF is expected to reside for the foreseeable future. "The food's not half bad," Madoff writes, "especially if you're into gruel and mystery meat. You do eat meat right? You had better, or at least learn how to choke it down. And don't worry about the showers; I've got a guy who can get you some extra soap on a rope."
Perhaps the most intriguing part of the letter is Madoff's offer to introduce SBF to 'the gang'. "There's Big Tony, who ran a small-time pyramid scheme out of his mom's basement, and Little Tony, who... well, he just likes to be called Tony. They're good guys, and they'll make sure you get an 'appropriate welcome'." One can only imagine what that entails.
The letter ends with Madoff offering some sage advice, "Remember, kid, it's not about how much you steal, but how long you can keep the charade going. And always, always have an exit strategy. Mine was death, but I hear the Bahamas is nice this time of year."
While the authenticity of the letter remains in question, The Bugle's expert staff has determined it to be more legitimate than the evidence used by Craig Wright in court to prove he is Satoshi Nakamoto. And that's saying something.
It's worth noting that crypto conspiracy theorists have been speculating about the information SBF might divulge to authorities in an attempt to make a deal. However, given his repeated parole violations, it seems unlikely that any deal would keep him out of prison for long. As the saying goes, "If you can't do the time, don't run a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme."
As we await the start of Bankman-Fried's trial, one can't help but wonder what other surprises are in store. Will other notorious figures from the annals of financial crime reach out with their own words of wisdom? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, dear readers, remember to keep your investments safe, your passwords secure, and always be wary of anyone offering returns that seem too good to be true. Because as SBF and Madoff have shown us, they probably are.