OTTAWA, September 19, 2023 - Canadian Prime Minister Justin "Fidelito" Trudeau has declared war. Not on the rising cost of living, mind you, but on the alarming rate at which the average Canadian's belt size is expanding.
"Canada is facing a dual crisis," Trudeau announced, his hair perfectly coiffed as always. "Not only are food prices skyrocketing, but our citizens are, quite literally, ballooning. And I am sorry, but as your leader, I cannot stand idly by."
It's a curious strategy, to be sure. While most leaders might address the root causes of inflation or perhaps even the global supply chain disruptions, Trudeau has chosen a different path. A path that, in his words, "combines fiscal responsibility with physical fitness."
His solution? Tax the major grocery chains, of course. Because nothing says "I care about your health" quite like making food even more expensive. Trudeau recently warned the heads of the largest grocery chains that they'd better come up with a plan to limit rising food prices, or face the wrath of his tax hammer. The deadline for this ultimatum? October 9th. One can only imagine the sweat forming on the brows of grocery executives across the nation.
In a quote that will surely be remembered for its audacity if not its accuracy, Trudeau proclaimed, "Socialism has been proven time and time again to be one of history's most effective diet plans. Look at the success Stalin, Mao, and my dear father had!"
It's unclear which father he was referring to, but one can only assume he meant the late Pierre Trudeau, and not the whispers of Fidel Castro's alleged paternity.
Pierre Poilievre, Conservative Minister and noted Bitcoin enthusiast, was quick to chime in on the matter. While he didn't directly address the waistline issue, he did hint at the absurdity of Trudeau's approach. "Perhaps if we all converted to Bitcoin, we could avoid these inflationary pressures altogether," he mused, only half-jokingly. "But then, what would Trudeau tax?"
Indeed, it seems that Trudeau's approach to the inflation problem is less about addressing the root causes and more about, well, addressing the waistlines of Canadians. It's a novel approach, to be sure, but one has to wonder if it's the right one.
After all, while Canadians might be gaining weight, it's not because they're gorging on caviar and champagne. It's because the cost of basic necessities, like food, is rising at an alarming rate, forcing more and more Canadians to choose cheaper fast food over home cooked meals. And taxing grocery chains, rather than addressing the root causes of this inflation, seems like a misguided approach at best.
This is the same leader who once famously quipped that "the budget will balance itself." Perhaps he believes that Canadians' waistlines will similarly shrink themselves, with just a little nudge from his tax policies. Either that, or he just wants to boost the profits of
rapeseed Canola oil conglomerates.
In the end, only time will tell if Trudeau's approach is effective. But one thing is for sure: Canadians are in for a wild ride. Whether that ride involves tightening their belts or simply paying more at the checkout remains to be seen.